I can’t believe it’s 2025 already. There’s so much that I want to do and create and yet, I haven’t taken the time to sit down and do it. What time? I am always out of time, struggling to stay afloat of the different tasks that I have piling up. Cleaning, Work, School, Family, Friends… it’s an endless parade of items on a to-do list that is growing faster than I can check things off. That being said, I hope I will be able to track my reading better than I have previously. I want to write about each book at least a bit. So I have some record for the future.

YELLOWFACE

by R.F. Kuang

I have been a fan of Marina since at least early 2013 when I was studying abroad in England. One of my flatmates shared her album Electra Heart with me, and I fell in love, getting the Family Jewels and every album thereafter. I loved that she was witty, sarcastic, fun, and someone unafraid to go dark when needed.

Reading these poems felt like getting to the core of the female experience. I was Hunted by how she described her past and the relationships that still press on her years later. The piece I most remember, as it references one of my favorite songs, was Aspartame. It felt like justice reading it.

Finished January 4, 2025

“But the worst part is sometimes the trolls have me doubting my own understanding of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one with a warped version of reality….I stop my thoughts from spiraling out... It’s the internet that’s fucked, not me. It’s this contingent of social justice warriors… I am not the bad guy. I am the victim here.”  

Before starting this book, I had heard it was about a white author who steals her dead friend’s story and passes herself off as Asian when she publishes it.  In reading this story of jealousy and the justifications we tell ourselves, I was constantly fascinated by how June thought about each instance and how she dealt with the struggles she faced.

June says several times about how her friend Athena stole or manipulated others for her craft, which Athena’s ex agrees with, and gloats about how the editor reading The Last Front loved her additions, even though they may not be expressing the experience of those living during the times as well as Athena’s version might.

She denies any claims that she’s an ignorant white woman or fetishizing Asian people because she did the research and isn’t like those “creepy dudes who write exclusively about Japanese folklore and wear kimonos.” She talks about the different causes she supports and how much more aware she is than her community.

It’s so easy to see where others around her say ignorant or cringy things. Still, June ignores almost all criticism about herself and the white savior narrative she’s told she’s included in Athena’s story. She also ignores ways that she could improve, such as denying a sensitivity reader because she feels confident in what she wrote. The research she did, even though, as someone writing about a culture that’s not hers, she would benefit from this outside view.

All at once, you are recoiling from her actions but also able to understand why she thinks the way she does and, as a white girl who also thinks she’s one of the more progressive people in her immediate bubble, can see the ways that I can ignore things or believe that I understand more than I do. While I wouldn’t take a friend’s manuscript, pass it off as my own (after editing, but still!), and take photos where I look more ambiguous… this story held up a mirror to how someone’s external perception of me can be different than what I intend, even if it’s well-meaning.   

I think the ending really didn’t feel like a true ending to me, but maybe it’s because I wanted to be in the world longer. I wanted a reckoning that changed the way a character fundamentally thought. But that’s something that can’t be changed. June was in too deep.

I was fairly young when One Tree Hill came out. As a kid without cable, the WB was a regular for my family, from Smallville to Charmed, Dawson’s Creek to Gilmore Girls, my mom and I probably watched it. That being said, I dropped off watching Television when I entered high school because I was too busy and had discovered fan fiction.

That being said, when I saw this memoir come through the Book of the Month Club, I was intrigued, especially when I saw the sub-headlines “Life on a cult TV show, while also in an actual cult!” I am very fascinated by cults (as most millennial women seem to be). Members of cults are usually people who want to do good in the world and are passionate people who fall for a charismatic leader who tells their followers they have all the answers. A leader who slowly builds an us vs. them dynamic and preys on the insecurities of their members.

Bethany Joy Lenz talks about all the ways her childhood inspired her acting career and made her vulnerable to the predator that led to what she thought was a supportive home church.

Reading this story, there were several moments that made me want to call out to her, “What are you doing? Don’t go there! Don’t ignore your gut!” But even if I could tell her, would she listen?

When she is offered the role of Belle on Broadway, as a reader, you know how much this moment means to her, but as a reader, you also know how deep in the church she is. What choice is she going to make? The struggle is evident for her, and I was sitting there, wanting her to make the choice for herself, for her dreams… but I also know how cults work.

If you are interested in reading this because you want details on One Tree Hill, you probably won’t get too much on that, but still, in my opinion, her journey through performing, Christianity, and a cult was a fascinating story. She is able to really put you in her thoughts at the time, and her writing can really stick with you.